🔗 Share this article These Words given by My Parent That Saved Me when I became a First-Time Dad "In my view I was merely trying to survive for twelve months." Ex- Made In Chelsea cast member Ryan Libbey thought he would to handle the difficulties of being a father. But the reality rapidly proved to be "very different" to what he'd imagined. Life-threatening health problems surrounding the birth saw his partner Louise being hospitalised. All of a sudden he was pushed into becoming her main carer as well as taking care of their newborn son Leo. "I was doing all the nights, every nappy change… each outing. The role of both parents," Ryan shared. After eleven months he burnt out. It was a chat with his parent, on a park bench, that led him to understand he needed help. The simple statement "You aren't in a good spot. You must get assistance. How can I support you?" created an opening for Ryan to speak honestly, look for assistance and find a way back. His experience is not uncommon, but rarely discussed. While people is now more accustomed to discussing the stress on moms and about PND, not enough is spoken about the struggles fathers face. Seeking help isn't a weakness to request support' Ryan feels his difficulties are symptomatic of a larger inability to communicate amongst men, who often absorb damaging perceptions of manhood. Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the harbour wall that just gets hit and stays upright with each wave." "It's not a sign of failure to request help. I didn't do that fast enough," he clarifies. Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist specialising in mental health surrounding childbirth, says men often don't want to accept they're having a hard time. They can think they are "not the right person to be requesting help" - most notably in preference to a mum and baby - but she emphasises their mental health is vitally important to the family. Ryan's chat with his dad gave him the opportunity to request a break - going on a couple of days overseas, outside of the family home, to see things clearly. He understood he needed to make a shift to pay attention to his and his partner's feelings as well as the practical tasks of caring for a new baby. When he opened up to Louise, he discovered he'd missed "what she needed" -physical connection and listening to her. Reparenting yourself' That realisation has transformed how Ryan sees fatherhood. He's now writing Leo weekly letters about his experiences as a dad, which he aspires his son will see as he gets older. Ryan hopes these will enable his son to more fully comprehend the vocabulary of emotional life and interpret his approach to fatherhood. The notion of "reparenting" is something artist Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since having his son Slimane, who is now four years old. As a child Stephen lacked consistent male guidance. Despite having an "amazing" bond with his dad, deep-held emotional pain caused his father found it hard to cope and was "coming and going" of his life, complicating their connection. Stephen says repressing emotions caused him to make "bad decisions" when he was younger to change how he was feeling, turning in substance use as an escape from the pain. "You find your way to substances that are harmful," he says. "They can temporarily change how you are feeling, but they will ultimately exacerbate the problem." Tips for Managing as a New Dad Share with someone - when you are swamped, speak to a trusted person, your other half or a counsellor how you're feeling. This can to reduce the stress and make you feel more supported. Remember your hobbies - continue with the pursuits that made you feel like you before the baby arrived. It could be going for a run, seeing friends or gaming. Look after the physical stuff - a good diet, getting some exercise and where possible, getting some sleep, all contribute in how your mental state is faring. Meet other new dads - listening to their stories, the messy ones, as well as the positive moments, can help to normalise how you're feeling. Know that seeking help is not failure - taking care of you is the most effective way you can care for your family. When his father later died by suicide, Stephen understandably had difficulty processing the death, having been out of touch with him for a long time. Now being a father himself, Stephen's determined not to "continue the chain" with his boy and instead offer the security and emotional guidance he lacked. When his son is about to have a tantrum, for example, they practise "releasing the emotion" together - managing the frustrations safely. Both Ryan and Stephen explain they have become better, healthier men since they acknowledged their issues, altered how they express themselves, and figured out how to control themselves for their children. "I am now more capable of… processing things and dealing with things," says Stephen. "I expressed that in a message to Leo last week," Ryan adds. "I wrote, sometimes I think my job is to teach and advise you how to behave, but actually, it's a two-way conversation. I'm learning just as much as you are through this experience."
"In my view I was merely trying to survive for twelve months." Ex- Made In Chelsea cast member Ryan Libbey thought he would to handle the difficulties of being a father. But the reality rapidly proved to be "very different" to what he'd imagined. Life-threatening health problems surrounding the birth saw his partner Louise being hospitalised. All of a sudden he was pushed into becoming her main carer as well as taking care of their newborn son Leo. "I was doing all the nights, every nappy change… each outing. The role of both parents," Ryan shared. After eleven months he burnt out. It was a chat with his parent, on a park bench, that led him to understand he needed help. The simple statement "You aren't in a good spot. You must get assistance. How can I support you?" created an opening for Ryan to speak honestly, look for assistance and find a way back. His experience is not uncommon, but rarely discussed. While people is now more accustomed to discussing the stress on moms and about PND, not enough is spoken about the struggles fathers face. Seeking help isn't a weakness to request support' Ryan feels his difficulties are symptomatic of a larger inability to communicate amongst men, who often absorb damaging perceptions of manhood. Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the harbour wall that just gets hit and stays upright with each wave." "It's not a sign of failure to request help. I didn't do that fast enough," he clarifies. Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist specialising in mental health surrounding childbirth, says men often don't want to accept they're having a hard time. They can think they are "not the right person to be requesting help" - most notably in preference to a mum and baby - but she emphasises their mental health is vitally important to the family. Ryan's chat with his dad gave him the opportunity to request a break - going on a couple of days overseas, outside of the family home, to see things clearly. He understood he needed to make a shift to pay attention to his and his partner's feelings as well as the practical tasks of caring for a new baby. When he opened up to Louise, he discovered he'd missed "what she needed" -physical connection and listening to her. Reparenting yourself' That realisation has transformed how Ryan sees fatherhood. He's now writing Leo weekly letters about his experiences as a dad, which he aspires his son will see as he gets older. Ryan hopes these will enable his son to more fully comprehend the vocabulary of emotional life and interpret his approach to fatherhood. The notion of "reparenting" is something artist Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since having his son Slimane, who is now four years old. As a child Stephen lacked consistent male guidance. Despite having an "amazing" bond with his dad, deep-held emotional pain caused his father found it hard to cope and was "coming and going" of his life, complicating their connection. Stephen says repressing emotions caused him to make "bad decisions" when he was younger to change how he was feeling, turning in substance use as an escape from the pain. "You find your way to substances that are harmful," he says. "They can temporarily change how you are feeling, but they will ultimately exacerbate the problem." Tips for Managing as a New Dad Share with someone - when you are swamped, speak to a trusted person, your other half or a counsellor how you're feeling. This can to reduce the stress and make you feel more supported. Remember your hobbies - continue with the pursuits that made you feel like you before the baby arrived. It could be going for a run, seeing friends or gaming. Look after the physical stuff - a good diet, getting some exercise and where possible, getting some sleep, all contribute in how your mental state is faring. Meet other new dads - listening to their stories, the messy ones, as well as the positive moments, can help to normalise how you're feeling. Know that seeking help is not failure - taking care of you is the most effective way you can care for your family. When his father later died by suicide, Stephen understandably had difficulty processing the death, having been out of touch with him for a long time. Now being a father himself, Stephen's determined not to "continue the chain" with his boy and instead offer the security and emotional guidance he lacked. When his son is about to have a tantrum, for example, they practise "releasing the emotion" together - managing the frustrations safely. Both Ryan and Stephen explain they have become better, healthier men since they acknowledged their issues, altered how they express themselves, and figured out how to control themselves for their children. "I am now more capable of… processing things and dealing with things," says Stephen. "I expressed that in a message to Leo last week," Ryan adds. "I wrote, sometimes I think my job is to teach and advise you how to behave, but actually, it's a two-way conversation. I'm learning just as much as you are through this experience."